My old blog is up on archive.org, you can find it. Or contact me to get it's archive. I don't want it public again until I want it public for...personal life reasons.
i tried to do a bad thing today. I want to keep it a secret. i didn't think of doing until someone brought it up...I've been mixing towards happy and bad lately. since the 24h for whatever reason. i've been so bad mentally, going back and forth. I relapsed for no reason. I went through a whole...thing. with someone I know. I think it was one-sided aswell. I feel guilty for that. but whatever. recently I've figured out that something someone did was abuse/rape. not the friend just a thing with the psych bullshit. I just thought i was a prick about that. LOL. I've been having heat flashes, just intense heat. i had flashbacks to things that I don't even remember happening and to trauma around my exes. My qpp is very happy with his life at the moment at least so that's good. I'm not happy.
I haven't gotten scores back yet. I feel so depressed and hopeless and scared. but that mood can easily changed. not scared actually. not anymore. what's fuckign wrong with me? why is everything just fucking like this. these blogs were probably interesting to read once. they probably aren't anymore? whatever. writing them still brings me a bit of fear.
three paragraphs! anyways. I met someone new recently. their poggers. I recently went sober off another medication. just stopped taking it cold turkey and I'm throwing it away everynight. my minds better, despite what everthing seems like. thats nice. I feel like I'm in a car wreck right now. sometimes i feel the phantom sensation of burning. it sucks. one of the flashbacks to something I don't remember was being trapped in some place with a fire. interesting.
i wonder why my lifes like this lately. everythign just. feels like shit but also not. i feel like I have nothing? but I have things? whats wrong with my brain. I unsinatlled opendyslexic or whatever the fuck. that font.
i keep seeing people in the hallway and such. but thats fine. its comforting to me, despite scaring me sometimes. I won't let them fucking control me. I won't let them fucking hurt me. fuck psychatrists and all those assholes. I've been fucked over by everyone huh. everyone in my fucking life who had an oppuruintiy to help me didn't take it. didn't help me. pushed me fruther into hell. and I don't think i can help myself. I've been so failed and fucked over. its like no one fucking cares. fucking hell.
Sorry it's been so long. its weird for me to write here and things have been very busy, I was studying for exams and I haven't gotten results back. I found out a new trigger for me, door knocking. I am in alot of pain today, physical pain. chronic pain sucks. I've been mostly reading, not doing schoolwork. Oh well. I miss people. I miss talking to people. I never posted that fic because I have a stupid fear? I'm insecure. When I was younger I had a fear that I was making up everything I liked just in my head and none of it is real. so I guess that might be it? It might also be just. June. if you know you know. I am very very anxious about just. so much.
shit still sucks. I have mixed feelings about my queerplatonic partner preparing for college. Everythings up in the air for me, I don't know my future. I stole back something from two certain people. they found out. nothing that bad happened. I'm so scared to write. but yet I miss this. but yet this might make me paranoid. and. this is a mess. I don't know what I'm doing right now. I don't know. I don't really know what to write so I guess this is it for now. shitty post I know but I'm trying, traumatized and trying.
Welp. Here we are again. I'm back blogging! I've missed this. I've been afraid of blogging for well. obvious reasons. What happened in June traumatized me a bit yknow? Especially because. Everythings the same again, like it never happened. But at the same time, it's not. What happened in June still rears its ugly head sometimes.
For a period of my life recently, I was recording everything that went on around me on my voice recorder. Then I got caught, and stopped out of fear. I've been editing videos lately. I have a blog on wordpress that is..sanatized? Not like my old blog. I can't believe I dropped my old username. I thought that one would stick with me forever but. Eventually I had to get rid of it. For my own good. She uhm. What should I call her. I'm not gonna call her my relation to me uhm. Female Family Memember. Yeah. It should be obvious who if you know, if you were here before with my old blog. But a threat she made is playing in my mind while writing this. She said she won't do anything, as long as I don't write. That was months ago. Yet here I am. Writing. My blog on Wordpress...I wish I could write on it more but at the same time I just can't? it's weird. I want it to be a professional sort of image and here on neocities I want it to be relaxed. If that makes any sense.
That person since first grade is now my Queerplatonic Partner, so that's cool. I've been editing videos and recording them this weekend. I'm counting down the days until my 18th birthday. My legs have been starting to hurt, I've always had some trouble walking long distances and I fall sometimes, at least ever since my captivity at the hands of family memembers ended and I walk with family memembers to the store and stuff now. and it's sort of getting worse and worse? I think some of my breathing meds were poisoined. I don't know accidentally or on purpose. On valentines day no less haha. I've missed this. Yesterday I wondered why I didn't play a solo journaling rpg that I used to play before the incident in June. Then I looked at it and I realized that I stopped playing in June. and I just. couldn't bare to countine it. I haven't streamed since the incident in June. I almost did. I miss streaming on twitch, although I planned to stream on youtube for the concinvence. I miss it. so much. I've been getting into ninjago, if you follow my tumblr blog you probably saw that. I'm watching Fruits basket again. It feels like I've been trying to complete that series since 2020 or 2019. Turns out thats when the version I'm watching first released. Something always happened to distract me from that anime.
I'm also sober. Well. Of one of my psychatric meds, I fake taking it every morning to make the family happy. Turns out that med really fucked me up in a bad way. I mean. I didn't need it. I only got it because I reported. I'm now anti-psychaitry. or at least I dislike it as it currently is. from my perspective it's more of a tool to silence and label victims as ill or something rather than something that helps. My second ex, err. second with an astretix as I've realized. uhm. FUCK I FORGOT MY OLD CODENAME FOR THEM AHHH. One of my exes was in the psych ward once. I didn't know anything back then but was confused. At one time I wanted to be in a psych ward. I didn't need it, I just wanted to understand. I was stupid for that. I would've been better off without it. Even though there were nice people at that ward it still. fucked me up. In a way I didn't realize it was traumatizing as it happened. I don't remember most of what is in my old journal. I still know I'm not normal mentally. I have trauma and I use the psychatrics peoples words anyways despite rejecting the field because I feel like. With how curropt the world is? I don't think doctors of any kind can be good. I mean. The rare time's I've been to doctors they've dismissed my chronic pain and such because I am young aswell as other biases. I am distrustful of most authorities if not all of them honestly. I guess it just comes with my trauma and experiences.
so like yeah. I have adhd and all that other garbage and I use those terms, for the most part. For my alters I just say plural. I mean. Dissociative Identiy Disorder. Other Specified Dissociative Disorder. The issue with both those terms is disorder. I don't believe that people with differences in there head are ill or disordered. It can be frightening and cause distress but I feel like. Disorder gives power to oppressors to hurt us. So I'm Plural, and I would refuse to play their game with the other words like adhd and shit but I haven't come up with my own terms yet for those yet and shit. Psychatiry and Psychology is a flawed field in my opinion, and like. I don't trust it, I don't like it, I repsect if others want to see a therapist or psychaitrist or whatever but I deny those things. I'll find help my own way once I've escaped from my hell.
so I'm back. and I'm waiting until next June. and I don't really know what to write. I'm scared this is going to hurt me again. I'm really fucking lucky the way things have been turning out. Honestly looking back? I was a fool. such a fool. Regardless. I've been improving communication with the system. That's cool. That reminds me. I have to read something. but regardless. uhm. I guess I'll get back into the swing of doing this soon. I feel so tired right nwo for some reason. I should make some more coffee. Blog entry ended writing at 4:49 pm est.
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