I've been meaning to edit and post this, Its a ramble i wrote in my private journal about a blog post by winnie lim titled "the off switch". I have mixed feelings on it because I ended it because I was talking about dissociation and I wanted to ramble about semantics then get back to the main point but adhd and my dissociation problem kicked in so I was unable to finish it and I've been unable to finish this since, this is just up to try to get me to finish it eventually and I've been wanting to post it even though I feel insecure. Please email me or comment your opinons on this on my profile. Dragos is (preresent.neocities.org (now deleteds) name but if you haven't seen the now deleted side you wont know that so. yeah)
This is a glimpse at my private journal, soem parts redacted (names and obsidian.md stuff. A link to a file I made)
is Winnie's reply to my comment, I have not sent her this post as of now Saturday, August 13th 2022, 2:03:21 pm and I will send it to her once I polish it up a bit. It made me really happy to see that I really admire her. Also this is semi-related to her post but it ended up getting a bit off track I feel but still on topic so. I don't really know. enjoy I guess.
Tuesday, August 2nd 2022, 9:24:18 am [redacted because its just obsidian.md stuff like linking. Obsidian is a program thats a word processor that you create folders and files in and link them to each other]
Many of us never ever get to know ourselves or who we can actually be, because there is actually no time. From pre-school more than 8 hours of time is devoted to something else. By the time we’re parents there is not enough time for sleep, much less self-discovery. For those of us who are not parents we are probably still addicted to validation so we waste copious amounts of our time on our job or our “passion” instead of having an opportunity to discover what makes us truly thrive? - Winnie Lim "the off switch"
This saddens me. Especially because I don't really know myself, honestly. I haven't had my time devoted to anything though, sure i do school but virtual school has made that fast when I do do school. I have so much time that I should take advantage of but I don't. Even here I don't. Why?
Because I'm afraid of what I'll find. I'm afraid of what I find in myself. Im afraid of the memories I might have forgotten with all my memory issues. Im afraid of how much of me is just abuse, the effects of being abused by so many people.
In this project in Obsidian that I am writing in, I don't really. Do what I want to do. I don't look at myself, find myself, and write it down. I mean i've found bits and pieces but I've avoided it subconsciously for the most part.
![[winnielim-off-switch-1536x1024.png]]
That is the on-off switch. We turn off all these things and live in a bubble of sorts.
Sometimes I think it is somewhat of an evolutionary miracle that most humans can go on with life even with the world burning around us. Most of us just grow numb and switch off. We can only hold so much information, so much grief, so much anxiety. So we ignore everything else as though everything is fine. I think this switching-off is not even conscious for most people, but perhaps it can be observed with how they keep on choosing to indulge in ways of escapism: food, shopping, alcohol, travel, work, “love”, etc. - Winnie Lim "the off switch"
Maybe it is a miracle.
Isn’t this depressing? I think for many people it is not because they survived by learning to cope with it, to not argue with reality, and they find small moments of joy in all of this societal structure. There is probably a moment probably during school when we go, “this is life” and switch ourselves off permanently. It is just too painful to be in prison and wonder what is life like outside, so it is simply better to make excelling in that prison our purpose, and believe the prison is beautiful. - Winnie Lim "the off switch"
Did i do this? In my abusive situations did I just shut off and say "this is life"? With my first ex I think I did. I was repeatedly abused sexually and psycololgiaclly/emotionally and I just took it. Someone would die if I left and even before that threat became apparent I just accepted it. "this is life". Then it ended and I was a destroyed person mentally who couldn't handle it so I, alongside some forgetting. consciously chose to ignore it. I chose denial and I don't like to think about that or mention it. I ran away from it.
I didn't even know it was sexual abuse. We were both kids. I found out what cocsa is via a tumblr post venting about it. Anyways. With [second ex]. I just shut down and said "this is life" far more easier. With [peaceful] same thing, I was already in [peaceful]'s mess by the time [second ex]s got around.
and this part of the quote:
It is just too painful to be in prison and wonder what is life like outside, so it is simply better to make excelling in that prison our purpose, and believe the prison is beautiful. - Winnie Lim "the off switch"
With my parents abusing me. Ever since I was little I didn't want to escape. I wanted what I couldn't have. I wanted a friend group I could have fun with. The only way I saw that group of online friends was possible was to be a popular minecraft youtuber.
Which was good, because I liked making videos and such. I remeber. I was in the second room in the apartment, which was my room at the time. I think I was watching Carflo or something and I ended up imagining creating a tweet (on what was modern twitter, like 2022 twitter. Interesting) and being a kid apart of something greater than myself, a group of older people who built me up and loved me and so did a crowd of people.
I wanted what I could never have. Love. and I wanted to thrive in my prision of abuse.
I swear to God that all I've ever wanted was
A little bit of everything, all of the time
A bit of everything, all of the time - Goodbye by Bo Burnham
Thats why that lyric fits me greatly. In "Welcome to the internet" from Inside (the special that Goodbye is apart of) their is this lyric:
Could I interest you in everything
All of the time
A bit of everything
All of the time - Welcome to the internet by Bo Burnham
Which is a metaphor for the internet, because the internet now adays is a widespread thing that is everything possible, everything you can think off good and bad all of the time. I just saw the parallel between "Could I interest you in everything" and "I swear to God that all I've ever wanted was". Like Bo is offering "a little bit of everything all of the time" in a villian like manner in Welcome to the internet while in Goodbye its a mournful ballad I wanna say. Bo just wanted to make funny comedy videos. I just wanted to make videos with people who cared about me and felt loved, I wanted to thrive and be on top because.
Because I was abused. and still am. and I thought my parents would somehow let me have internet friends and not be dickheads to me about it if I was popular.
I just wanted a little bit of everything all of the time, I want to make a variety of videos and create things like the things i love. Things that make me happy and affect me so greatly and I wanted to do that for other people. I wanted to do what every creator that I have loved/love did/do for me. All because. I wanted a group of friends. I wanted something my parents didn't beat me over and was proud of me for.
Streaming and video making is something I like doing, but its also a way to supplement love. In one of preresents blog entries they wrote. Okay I can't find it now but I swear I remeber them saying I wasn't view hungry, I wasn't one of those youtubers. I want views. I want to be widely loved. I want to be popular.
But something from The Fault in Our Stars movie we watched so many times while in the psych ward. Their is a bit where The womans lover who died talks about how she wasn't widely loved, but deeply loved. Its a thought I've been chewing on. Alot of "quotes" from the movie are things I sometimes chew on and think about I didn't really get a chance to delve into in the ward because my physical journal had limited space.
https://www.scripts.com/script.php?id=the_fault_in_our_stars_93&p=2
I think I found the script of the movie.
"...I just held her hands and I willed myself to imagine a world without us and what a worthless world that would be." - The Fault In Our Stars Movie
"...She didn't want a million admirers, she just wanted one. And she got it. Maybe she wasn't loved widely but she was loved deeply. And isn't that more than most of us get?" - The Fault In Our Stars Movie
I tried to download the pdf from the script site anyways back to this ramble.
"Maybe she wasn't loved widely but she was loved deeply. And isn't that more than most of us get?" - The Fault In Our Stars Movie
Technoblade was loved widely and deeply. Thats something I've been wanting to type but I needed to find a transcript for context for that thought. That is, looking at it, a rare chance. I never really thought about it but if that movie line is correct, being loved deeply is rare. So is being loved widely I argue, which I think most people will agree with.
and I want to be loved deeply. I want a love I can understand. But I can't. I can't understand love and relationships and friendships and all of that. I can't understand it, I only understand abuse. That is something I want to mourn and change but. I understand content creators. I understand making videos and liking those people, being deeply affected by someone you don't know personally. I understand that language. Yet I yearn to be known personally in that dynamic. Maybe thats one of my reasons why I am making this brain in written form.
I yearn for something I might never understand thanks to my abuse and I yearn to have that in my prision. I yearn to have a healthy thing in my prision where it cannot live. I've compared this to [[Pandoras Vault]] from Dream smp in my head, my life and my situation with my abusive as hell parents. Pandoras vault before everyone and their mother escaped the inescapable prision.
It is just too painful to be in prison and wonder what is life like outside, so it is simply better to make excelling in that prison our purpose, and believe the prison is beautiful. - Winnie Lim "the off switch"
I am familiar with this without realizing. I just wanted to make content. I only reported my parents to cps when things "got too far" and I thought my dad got me pregnant. A baby is something I don't want. It would be a horrible thing here for many reasons. It would ruin my life, chain me to my parents, etc. but also. It takes all your time away.
Back to Winnie Lim,
I get that, especially after living in a world infected with covid and terrible politics. It is just too overwhelming to contemplate how it could be otherwise, so I choose to retreat into my own self-made prison. I go on many days pretty well, indulging myself with learning things and creative pursuits. But once in a while I go into a sombre mood and wonder if I am simply pretending to live? - Winnie Lim "the off switch"
I wonder if I am simply pretending to live too? Like. This isn't life. I can never have a life in abuse. And I am stuck with my abusive parents for now because Im a minor and cps has failed me. But am I living as much of a pseudo-life I can? I am taking enough advantage of the quiet time?
I don't know. What is living, really? What is life? I want to do things to change the world and help the world but I don't know how. I don't know how to help the world or live. I am stuck in a prision of abuse where I can't do anything yet I still try. Somehow I still try. I still care I still beg for masks and to get a booster shot, I still try to sign petitions.
I used to be so fixated on [[anarchism solarpunk and all of that jazz]] while I was in a relationship with my first ex and a bit before and after I am pretty sure. I don't know about politics anymore or what I believe. Well I kinda know why I believe. But its all complicated.
I try to change the world and make life better I want it to live. I want this world to live but I am trapped in my abuse. (https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxP4w2ppGeA3W7iL7rYVikYGn7L_BlQbEt i made this bit a clip anyways) So that makes it hard. And I eventually just tried to cope with things by trying to "thrive in my prision".
Trying my best to stream and make content in the hell that was 2021 being abused by four different people, all demanding me 24/7 and taking away most of my 1440 minutes each day. I still tried. I still tried to make content and do these things. and maybe:
so I choose to retreat into my own self-made prison. I go on many days pretty well, indulging myself with learning things and creative pursuits. - Winnie Lim "the off switch"
I wonder if I am just pretending to live. Do things and as I am abused take the time that I can making content and doing creative things. Doing my escapism.
I hate the idea of intentional dissociation. My life is painted by it and some of it might be intentional, to be fair. I am lost in other people in my brain and getting lost in daydreams where I move without me realizing and that gets me hurt which gets me lost and I am so. Derealized sometimes.
Maybe we can’t have perfectly calibrated responses to the events happening in our lives. That sometimes we need to disassociate first in order to gradually find a position somewhere in the middle. - Winnie Lim "the off switch"
is something I dislike. Yet i like because its genuine, like Dragos' blog. This whole entry gives the vibes of Dragos' blogs because is genuine.
I feel like this minimizes that [[dissociation is a trauma response when its very bad, but its also a thing found commonly in human lives]]. Its a very complex thing. And I feel like its medicalizing something else, something that shouldn't be medicalized like a normal human behavior that should be treated differently than pathologizing it.
Perhaps healthy detachment is about finding a healthy distance to care so that we don’t become obsessed about something until it profoundly affects our lives, whereas disassociation occurs at an extreme when we can no longer relate to that part of us in a meaningful manner. - Winnie Lim "the off switch"
This is one thing I feel like I have an issue with. I do not have a healthy detachment from anything in my opinion. (I am in great physical pain BTW.) I "become obsessed about something until it profoundly affects our lives," like Winnie says here. Usually I hyperfixate on something and pour an insane amount of energy into something then I dissociate from it where it is so distant from the topic of existing then I pour myself back into that thing then hop to the next. Its probably a mental illness thing. I can't really focus on anything.
OW I am in so much pain anyways uh.
Buddhism advocates for a healthy detachment to events in our life because we’re overly attached. But I wonder how many buddhist practitioners are practicing healthy detachment versus disassociation? Is there a way to tell? I keep writing in my morning journal that I don’t know if I’m detaching or disassociating. - Winnie Lim "the off switch"
I don't really know if I am detaching or dissociating aswell.
Uhhh theirs probably more to write. But I am getting distracted and I want to do something else and it is sort of screaming at me and dragging me to it. Tuesday, August 2nd 2022, 10:20:52 am